Dodgy Keys (INFRACTUS CAMPESTER)

Resting Places R Us

High Street, Arimathea AA1 4JC

MONUMENTAL MASONRY • FLORAL TRIBUTES

CAPITALS & FRUSTRA • TOMBS • GARDENS OF REST

pontius pilate

Governor’s Lodge

Government Villas

Jerusalem J18 34C           Friday, Nissan 14th 33AD

Dear Governor

Re prisoner No 777/JN/TC-KotJ/777/SH

(Sorry, my upper-case p isn’t working)

I understand that passover Weekend is a busy time for you and your staff, (as it is for all of us, too) and appreciate you taking the time to read this letter.

   I’d like to mention a matter concerning Jesus of Nazareth, aka The Christ (some said ‘King of the Jews’). He was crucified following an order issued by you this morning, and even as I write he is on a cross outside the city at Glgta Golgotha (Skull Hill), as his code shows.

   perhaps you will be aware that I represent members of the Sanhedrin Council who have not supported the motion to hand this Jesus over to the ruling authorities. We were not convinced of his wrong-doing (a point you made yourself during the trial).

   I expect that the finer points of Jewish religious beliefs are of little interest to you, but we eagerly await the Messiah (the Anointed one), who will bring spiritual freedom and Godly love. Some of us knew wondered if Jesus of Nazareth might have been the Messiah, but unfortunately, we did not act upon our beliefs, and now he is condemned and being killed. I never had the opportunity to meet him or even to hear him speak on more than a handful of occasions.

   Forgive me, Governor, but I would make this request of you; please allow me to take his body from the soldiers assigned to execute him, once they have done their duty.

   When he is dead, I beg your leave for me to take his body and wrap it in the traditional shroud and lay it in my family tomb (not far from Golgotha, in a secluded spot called Gordon’s Gardens). I assure you that this location is a little off the beaten track. It won’t attract visitors or any sort of shrine-type pilgrimages.

   It would save your troops from bothering to dispose of the body; it may ease my conscience slightly to know that I hav’ allow’d him to borrow my tomb.

   I b’g you to grant my r’qu’st. (You can t’ll my k’y b’tw’’n W & R (ABCD’FGHI…) has pack’d up. I will try to finish without it.)

   I want you to grant us authorisation to pick up his body by 3pm or just past it, to wrap burial cloths &c, and all must finish (according to our Torah laws) by 6pm -- start of passov Holy Days for us.

   I’m arranging for a group of wom girls to pop to this tomb on Sunday morning to finish any parts of our burial protocol that is outstanding. Now my ribbon is fading, too. Must buy stand-in typing apparatus…

   I look forward (I’ve given up!) in humble hope of your gracious approval.

       Yours in anticipation – a lowly & dutiful workman of Jewish descent & an obedient servant of the Roman Occupation –

    Joseph O’Arimathea

Reply: Ex bureau Pontius Pilate

Memorandum Ex Governor

Gratia J O’Arimathea

XVth Mars XIXth year of Tiberius Caesar Augustus

re Captivus DCCLXXVII/JN/TC-KOTJ/DCCLXXVII/SH

Satraps gratiae vos pro vestri nuntius quod duco vestri excolo prex.  Est subridere.

     Commodo contraho memoratus procul III post meridian ut prex. Vos ero comitatus per tutela, quisnam mos famulor quietus locus parumper pauci dies ut subsequens haud res locus - haud salutor (unus tribuo respergo saluto licitus), haud repono secretum ostento, haud sepulchrum spoliatio.

     Contractiuncula vestri typo supellectilis est infractus mortuus maximus.

     Nuntius desinit.

Translation:

From the desk of Pontius Pilate

To J O’Arimathea

15th March 19th year of Tiberius Caesar Augustus (XXXIIIad)

Re prisoner No 777/JN/TC-KotJ/777/SH

The Governor thanks you for your message and has considered your polite request. It meets with favour.

       Please collect the item concerned at 3pm as requested. You will be accompanied by a squadron of the guard, who will attend the resting place for a few days to ensure no funny business takes place – no visitors (one spice-anointing visit permitted), no mystery stories of reappearances, no grave robbing.

       Sorry your typing machine is so severely broken.

       Message ends.

Joseph of Aramathea’s polite attempt to honour the dead

Why do you think Joseph puts his request 
in such respectful terms? Who does he think Jesus is?

What would you have done if you owned 
a typewriter like this, living in those days?

Why did the governor set an armed Roman guard 
on the tomb? What was he trying to prevent?